….?

….?

I just want it stop.

I just got home from a party earlier and I had a great time. Got to play beer pong without drinking beer for the most part. I hung out with friends that I haven’t seen in a while. And yet I come home a sobbing, drunken mess.

So the backstory: Me and my best friend were talking ahbout history and then all of a sudden, before I realize (I had had three glasses of champagne and I had taken… like 3 jello shots) that we got on the subject of my family. And talked about…. my being gay.

And I think after like 7 jello shots (I can’t even remember how many I took but I was slamming them down. Don’t worry, they weren’t that alcoholic or otherwise I wouldn’t be typing this coherently. ) But we got on the su bject on how I can’t even tell my father’s side of family anything anymore because of the certain choices I made in life.

And now… I can’t stop crying.

Is it my my fault I’m gay? Is it my fault that my father won’t truly accept me or that I can’t speak of my hopes and aspirations or feelings to anyone else, because I fear that because I do, I’ll break the hearts of my family. I feel that it’s my fault. That because I’m gay, I only leave ruin for everyone I love.

And I can’t take it… I can’t be alone tonight.

I Love This!

I really need to get back into doing posting for this. I’ve kinda failed at it in the last few months. But hopefully I’ll be back on track!

Everything for me has been quite busy. School and working, the becoming President of the PSA. Granted the Former President says it was just a title, but I think that trying to keep everything in order and trying to keep the club on its feet qualifies the title as worthy. The club has been kind of small… It sucks not being able to put around more advertising than just flyers. We’ve been trying to chalk the Plaza, but it ends up raining everytime we do. Lol. Nature’s a bitch.

Classes have been pretty good. Lots of reading and work, but it’s nothing seriously hard. I’ve been managing to keep high C’s and B’s in my classes, so it’s something I’m pleased with. Especially considering the amount of work I do, it’s pretty damned good. My Medieval England test got pushed back, so I’m highly pleased with that. Though it does mean Monday is going to be very, very long. But it’s nothing I can’t handle.

Work has been up and down. I love working the mornings, but Late Night has been getting on my nerves. The Classified has a Bipolar relationship with me. She gets all pissy and then five minutes later comes to joke around with me. Dunno what that’s supposed to mean to me coming from her, but I’m getting close to punching her in the face.

I dunno. Life’s been pretty busy. I’ve been pretty holed up to myself, but it’s been kinda nice. Being so busy manages to keep me sane. It’s really quite stimulating. I’m going to participating in NaNoWriMo next month, so we’ll see how sane I stay. I have two research papers to do too, so I’ll have to play it by ear. I’m sure things’ll be alright if I take it all in stride!

True Feelings of What Should Not Matter

Please don’t turn me down right now… Or I’ll break…

Why can’t I do anything right when it comes to this? I know that I shouldn’t dwell on this and that I should live in the the Now, but… It’s with every keystroke I cause destruction or mistrust or who the f**k knows. I just hate being the black sheep. I never meant anyone harm and I know I haven’t been the best or trying to keep up, but I feel absolutely horrible that you have to get all the complaints and the bitching when it’s me when I truely deserve it. And it might not make sense because I’m wasted but…

I know nobody likes how I do things or my clan or anything. Even if they’re confused or off-guard or just…. I know that nobody truly likes my campaign or clan or anything. And to deny it is to be Truly Blind.

What can I do to make it better…? What can I do to help please anyone? Everyone? I just feel so horrible because I don’t want you to take everything like this. I really really don’t.

And that’s why I’m leaving the RPG. I never can give what they want or fulfill what they need without making them absolutely insane or horrible. The users themselves or the RPG characters themselves. And with all I hear of how fun they are and cool and such… I hate ruining it. I don’t want to ruin their happiness. No matter if they’re imaginary and not real or not. I just…

I hate myself for it. I hate myself for making everything so horrible and so unfun and unfair for everyone. And even though most of it is my fault… I just… I don’t want it. And even though I’m wasted (And typing amazingly while at it) it is so horrible that I’m totally in tears (Seriously) over this. I don’t want to and I always do…

This is why I hate my campaign and the characters and shit. Why can’t I do anything right? Why can’t I…. why….

I truly think that everything will be happy without me. Characters, you guys. You’ll do so much better. You won’t have to worry about stupidity, about nonsense and drama. Because you all deserve better.

And that’s why I’m leaving the RPG. And it might be because I’m wasted and delusional. It also might be because I’m totally defenseless right now and very expressive of my true feelings.

And no matter what anyone will say. I truly believe that everyone will grow this for the better.

Because of my immaturity and my nonsense and lack of thinking and judgment and broken characters and shit and f**k and shit. You all do not deserve any of this. At all. Characters and all. You guys and all… Never. Ever. Ever. Please be happy and contend with your characters and happiness without my interference and hurt and stupidity.

And even if I am drunk and you might think my judgment is skewed. It’s the truth. I mean for nothing more. This isn’t right in my opinion. And never will be. and if it were up to me I’d close my campaign right now. But I can’t…. But when it’s all over and done with. I will probably will let you all deal with your happiness and inside jokes without worrying about my stupidity or interference.

Sorry if I repeated myself a ton, but…. Take this as my Two Week Notice without the notice. As soon as everything is within order and my characters are cleared up. I will leave.

Pass this to whoever you want, I don’t care. I couldn’t give a shit. I know there won’t be reasoning to keep me here. And if there is, there will be no heart within it. I will watch it, but have fun without my…. f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k insanity… And assness….

Sorry about the swears. I’m still wasted.

Tons of Love,
~MK~

Cons and Disney

It’s been a while since I’ve updated, but this was because I have not gotten any internet in Disney World. Well… At least not without paying for it. Now I’m at the beach in Daytona, it’s been a pretty…. good week I suppose.

First off was Con. Friday. The day started off pretty… Mediocre. We left an hour later than scheduled, so we ended up hitting traffic coming into Norfolk. That was fun. They have an underwater tunnel that goes underneath the bay there so Navy ships can get over it. Good idea in theory, but the traffic was backed up 5 miles and we sat there for an hour longer than needed. Fawkes almost overheated since he’s weak against heat and I missed 2 panels that I really wanted to go to. It’s not that I needed them, but it would’ve been nice to get an opinion on them. Friday night we ended up ordering in Chinese and stayed up until 5:30 AM working on Shima and Caitlyn’s cosplay costumes. That was pretty fun.

Saturday. We were going to get up at 7:30 to finish up some touches and get to the Hall Costume Contest, but after my alarm went off, nobody got up and neither did I. So we slept until 11. Yippee! They dressed out and we went downstairs, enjoying AMVs and the rest of Con. Cosplay was so much better this year, but I was disappointed that it was in such a small area. I’m so glad we went down for that line when we did. We were one of the 1st in and they let only a third of the line in after that. Didn’t go to the rave. Too tired.

Sunday we hit the Dealer’s room and packed. Got me some goodies and we headed back. Con wasn’t so bad, but I had a little more fun last year. The hotel was much too cramped for that many con-goers. It was still fun though.

On Monday I had to wake up at 4:00 AM so I could take my flight into Orlando. I got in at 11:20 EST, like a half n’ hour before my Mom and sister’s flight in Colorado even took off. So I had to wait at the airport for about 5 hours for them to arrive. But then the weather decided to get involved and delay their flight another hour. They spun around a storm that had to sit directly over Orlando. It was almost to the point of where they would’ve had to fly into Jacksonville to refuel. I wasn’t happy. They had an open window to land, but never took it. I was surprised it wasn’t longer. But they got in safe. We arrived in Disney World about 6:00, my second time there. Me and my Mom and sister then went to Downtown Disney for supper at Planet Hollywood. It was pretty good food, but the quantity was small for me. So I got a cheesecake too.

On Tuesday morning we went to Epcot. Rode the Finding Nemo ride and I got myself a Dori hat. The ride itself was a little cheesy, but it was cool to see all the fish and stuff after the ride was finished. After that, we went on the Around the World tour, visiting all the countries that were up for show. It was so much cooler than last time I went because we actually got to see everything. A show in Britain, a movie in France, food in Japan and candy in Germany. That night we went to the Magic Kingdom which was alot more fun than last time too. Rode Space Mountain, amazing, and then we went on a Buzz Lightyear Star Command game and a Stitch Escapes thing. The Star Command was fun, but the Stitch Escapes thing was totally lame. I guess you can’t like everything, ne? Then my Mom took us to go to the It’s a Small World Ride. It was really scary, but I think it should be a requirement for everyone to see it. Share the horror. Lol. Afterwards we rode the Lightning Mine Train in Adventureland and ended up getting caught by the Parade and Fireworks. I got pictures too!
Wednesday was really fun. We went to the Animal Kingdom. We got to tour the Gorilla Preserve and go on the Water Ride there, even with the long wait. I managed not to get soaked. After that we had lunch at the Rainforest Cafe. Their food is so amazing. I had a big Caesar Salad. Totally worth it. After that, we went and rode the Kilimanjaro Safaris. That was really amazing. I got a bunch of small clips of the animals, but it’s so much better in person. I got to thank my sister because we got a wheelchair for her since she unofficially broke her foot and didn’t have to wait in line. She’s good for something! But when we got back, she ended up having to go to Urgent Care, but she’s fine now.

Thursday was alright, but not as fun as the previous days. We went to Hollywood Studios on Thursday and rode the Aerosmith Rollercoaster. That was amazing and totally worth the wait. We went on a Flight Simulator after that for Star Wars. Was alright, but kinda cheesy. Then we went to eat at an Italian Restaraunt. Wasn’t bad, but wasn’t as good as it could be. the highlight of this park was I got an Indiana Jones hat! It’s so amazing, even if it’s my birthday present from my Mom. Later that night we went back to Magic Kingdom to see if we could ride a few more rides, but the lines were longer and more people were there. It was still fun, though we got caught in a torrential downpour. We managed to skirt out of the park before the parade. I didn’t want to get caught in that disaster again.

Today we drove out to Daytona Beach, with a few misdirections. I went swimming and we’ve just been relaxing. I really do miss home though and I really want some alone time, since I’ve constantly been around my Mom and sister the last week. I love them, but I want my space too. We’ll be heading there on Monday though. I’m so ready to go.

Sewing Circles

Sewing circles are fun, right? As long as you have something to do right?

Anime Midatlantic is today… To be technical. It’s 1:20 as of this sentence. And there’s still a LOT of shit to be done, such as costumes and getting details together and packing and still preparing. I don’t think everyone’s going to be getting much sleep tonight. I’ve been retyping in my story and doing some reading the last few hours, but I’m starting to get sleepy myself. I’ve also been giving a few Tarot Readings along the way and maybe even a massage or two, but there’s still a lot to do.

I am excited for the con though, but the lack of sleep is making me really… Bleh… And the sewing isn’t exciting

Maybe I should’ve brought my crocheting…

Tarot Readings

So today I flew out to Virginia so I can stay with my amazing friends and hang out for the week. But today was really, really, really long. The 5 hour flight with the lay over in Baltimore, having to wake up at 4 AM to be at the airport 2 and half hours early. Big. Mistake. I sat there for 6:30 to 8:00 and then the flight was delayed by about 40 minutes. It sucked.

But I’m glad to be in Virginia. I love my friends a lot, they’re fun to hang out with and they keep me entertained. It’s exciting and I’m looking forward to the week to come. But I’m not going to lie, I miss Colorado already. And my amazing friends back there. But I can deal. We all need a little time away from what we appreciate to make us miss and love it more.

Saturday night was amazing. In some ways. But in others, it was really kinda awkward and emotionally exhausting. I got really drunk and was having a good time with my friends. But then I had to bring my Tarot Cards with me. And then everyone wanted a Tarot Reading… I was really surprised that I could get through their barriers and emotions in such an inebriated state. But it kinda freaked some of my friends out because they didn’t tell me what their questions were. But I still got the question and I freaked them out with the reading, because they were so dead on and whatnot. I mean, I had to stop after one to go and take a step outside to ground all the emotions and energies out of my body. And I was still drunk.

It was just… Unreal. And the intensity of the readings has increased since the last time I did Tarot Readings. When you’re nearly bringing your friends to tears concerning their relationship or touching a deep emotion that nobody can see…

It’s scary…

Dark of Night…

Today’s been a bit of an irritating day to say the least, but today hasn’t been so bad.

A relaxing day off of work was just what the doctor ordered, despite the fact of being woken up by the maintenance guy waking me up so he can check the lightbulbs in the apartments. Personally, you’d think that us tenants would probably be able to do that ourselves and let them know when one’s out. But… I guess they aren’t all that expectant of us. Some of my friends can really be a pain in the ass, despite the fact that I would and do love them to death.

First off I guess I disappointed one by not keeping up in the game that we were supposed to be conducting. They were away so I figured I’d be lax about it, but no. I get yelled at for not keeping up. And then lose a privilege in order to “teach me a lesson about responsibility”. Yeah… A little loopy if you ask me. I mean, it’s only a game. They’re all stressed and getting angry and mopey and pissy over a game. I mean, seriously. Who cares? It’s not that I can go back and change what I did. Unless you can, then by all means, be my guest. It makes me want to slap them and have them live in the Now rather than in the Past. No wonder the poor thing’s unbalanced and stressed all the time. She lets herself get that way. And then she ends up taking it out over silly little things. I love her a lot, but seriously, get bent! Sit on your middle finger and spin! It’s NOT as big a deal as she makes it.

The second thing that’s annoying is the fact that some friends change when they’re around others. I was annoyed tonight because she (And by she, this is a different friend) kept calling me names and acted really condescending to me all night. Sure it’s a friend she hasn’t seen in a long time, but seriously. Why would you do something like that? I mean, come on. I admit that I act like that sometimes, but I usually catch on and try to include everyone. It’s awkward being the third or fifth or odd numbered wheel.
This is why I left her house tonight while she was sleeping during a movie. Which brings me to my point of: Walking at night is freaky! Especially when you’re alone. Cuz you never know when some sick fuck’s going to jump you. It’s terrible. I love the night air and the night sky. And I love walking around when it’s warm. But to walk in fear of some person that might rob you or rape you or beat you or even worse… It’s terrible.

The way that Humanity lives and has become. It makes me weep inside. The sadness that I feel is what the Universal Consciousness feels as well. It may sound cheesy or really really lame, but if people would spread more good feeling or even love to everyone. Helping out and becoming a better person… Helping other become better people rather than give up on them. To help them destroy their Ego and to live eternally… A mere wisp in the sky. It won’t happen to everyone.

But I’m glad it’s happened to me.

Sleep Walker

Today has been such a long day…

Up at 5:00 AM. It sucked. Work kind of got on my nerves because more people were still being incompetent. Breakfast wasn’t bad, but Lunch was stupid. We’re supposed to have 10 people in Salads area, but there was only 4 back there plus the Student Trainer who wasn’t even supposed to be there… Hell… >_>

So I had to borrow money from my Mom today for my rent. I feel kind of bad because I was short when I shouldn’t have been, but I do really love her because she helps me stay on my feet and whenever I need it. My father however wouldn’t give me a dime if I was sitting on the corner begging for money. He doesn’t even help my sister and she’s under his authority. But yet he’s supposed to be a giving and loving Christian. Such contradictions…

People need to lose their Ego. Or they’ll never be able to be their True Selves, but rather something that the Ego and Mind create in place of it.

I love having gone beyound my Ego and Mind, but I still have trouble losing it completely. Being Connected and living in the Now is amazing, but sometimes I can’t get passed my Urge and Rage and Ego… And I wish I can…

Lol; Understand?

And So We Go To War…

Prepared? For the most part. Kicking ass? Of course! Getting my ass kicked? Unusual…

It’s only Monday and I want to be done with this week already. I had to work today, 6 AM to 3 PM… And it tried its best to kick my ass. Needless to say, I nearly fell victim to it, but I came back and managed to kick it in the throat. The people are work with are really nice and they work hard, but their incompetence is something else. I mean, this morning, me and my Student Trainer/Friend had to throw three Salad Bars together! In about 2 hours too. That’s a lot of shit to accomplish too. And I’m glad I was there, or it would’ve fallen apart. Not trying to be pompous, but I’m glad I know what I’m doing.

Moving over to Corbett has been such a pain in the ass. My first day there and I’m probably already setting the bar too high for people to keep up with me. Seriously. The people there mean well and they’re really nice, but they’re either: A) Really lazy and don’t do jack squat… B) Don’t know what they’re doing C) Are really slow at what they’re doing D) Don’t communicate amongst others on what needs done and what they need help with…. And E) They just don’t care. I mean, this isn’t everyone. But when you’re already running the show on your first day because nobody knows what they’re doing or they can’t keep up, that really gets me.

I really miss working over at Ingersoll. It was so much more organized. Together. And everyone was so tightly-knit over there. Having meals together, goofing off, talking, dancing to the radio while prepping food. The dance parties and ice cream study breaks… You never realize how much you take for granted until it’s really gone. I loved coming to work everyday when working at Ingersoll because I got to work with amazing people, but now… I dread going to work. Not that the people aren’t cool or amazing, but because there’s no sense of team! And that’s what really gets me. You could always count on your co-workers at Ingersoll, but it feels like I can only count on myself and old Ingy-Friends at Corbett…

It’s going to be a long summer at this rate…

Of Dreams, Dancing, and Drinking…

Yeah, except not drinking.

Today turned out to be alot more busy than I had originally planned. I did manage to find one of my better written original stories last night and now I’m busy trying to type it back into this laptop, considering that my USB Port got stolen. Oh, about 2 months ago. I hope the fucker had at least some sympathy before they erased all that hard work I had placed on their. Bloody bastards… I also got to run errands with my Mom and then I went to a friend’s birthday party. With my other friend Mary. She managed to get wasted, but I had a good time hanging out with her. She’s a fucking riot! The party theme was jazzercize and there was alot of dancing, though I didn’t participate in the actual jazzercize. It was freaking sweet seeing everyone decked out in 80s workout gear. Especially the really hot guys, which there was alot of. Hahahaha….

Though coming back from something relatively fun, I had this really odd dream last night. It’s been weighing on my mind all day long and it won’t go away. Everytime I think of it, I know it has a hidden meaning or message to it. I love the Source, but if you’re going to give me a dream, at least throw me a clue so I can at least piece together what the message is.

It’s actually getting pretty bad though because between the guys and the dreams, I’m starting to shift into a predatorial-like mood. Nothing that endangers the safety of others, only myself. But it is really not that great of a mood to fall into it. Mainly because I get freaky scary. And not in a “ROAR!” kinda way, but in a “I Know Everything” kinda way…